Thursday, March 18, 2010

Fake Sigi to Strike? - A Response

In response to Fake Sigi's post in which he expresses his intent to strike ....

From the offices of Dewey, Burnham, and Howe
speaking for our client Fake Sigi Enterprises

Dear Fake Sigi,

We were distressed to learn of your unhappiness with the current arrangement between you and Fake Sigi Enterprises. We would like to address the issues you raise with the idea of coming to an amicable agreement that will satisfy your needs.

1) Fake Sigi Enterprises is run like a cartel

Yes it is. FSE owns you, your thoughts, your words, and anything else we can squeeze out of you. We'd like to thank the last 30 years of deregulation that has permitted us to operate in our free market system in a manner that permits us to behave in whatever way we feel is best for us. As for our employees, f*ck 'em.

2) Fake Sigi does not have freedom of movement

We believe we can help with this issue. Our client's board, being a group of anal retentive folks, completely understand your situation. With that in mind, we have contracted with our new sponsor, Ex-Lax, to provide you with all the movement you can handle.

3) Fake Sigi's contract has been routinely terminated and is not guaranteed, but I am unable to write for another blog

This is a misrepresentation of our agreement. You are perfectly free to write for another blog, but please be aware that should you choose to return to the fascinating world of dumping on soccer morons, providing insight that will get rotten tomatoes tossed your way and a revenue stream that wouldn't make indigents in Mumbai jealous, FSE owns the rights to the moniker 'Fake Sigi' as well as all images, prior blog posts, and anything else we can snag without getting caught. Should you choose to write for another blog, therefore, any reference to 'Fake' 'Sigi' or anything else that could connect you to your prior soccersphere life as 'Fake Sigi' will be met with a shitstorm of legal proceedings that will leave you beating your head against a wall so until you become as stupid as most of the commenters on Big Soccer.

As to your quality of life issues, we feel we must take issue with your characterization. Be honest, you already had a laptop, were subscribing to multiple media outlets in order to watch awful football, and reading the rants of crazed footie fans. Why do you think we hired you? It's like hiring a carpenter that owns his own tools. For us it means, as in the words of that great businessman Forrest Gump, 'one less thing'.

We must say, that we find it wholly unprofessional of you to air your grievances in public and at this point are inclined to allow you to pursue other career options, including those in the food service industry or in general sales. To that end we have composed a letter of recommendation and have taken the initiative of sending it to both the McDonald's and Wal-Mart home offices.

We wish you all the best.

Dewey, Burnham, and Howe

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